It's so easy, everything comes so naturally, you and me, we just fit. I don't have this hole in my stomach anymore, not when I think of you, I'm entirely plugged up, I'm so flawlessly content. I think this is exactly where I'm meant to be. I wish I could blot out the before, I wish I wasn't tainted for you. I'm going to try ever so hard not to fuck this up.

However this opens and folds and fits into place, it's fine by me, so long as I get to keep you. I am going to keep you.
This is exactly where I want to be.

Your heart it makes the most beautiful sound, when I'm lying so close to you, our fingers woven round, it hums a rhythm, I can hear it through my skin. I don't want to lose that, I don't want to miss your heartbeat again.

And I think the spaces inside my fingertips are reserved for you, so slip your fingers through and through and watch how perfectly they fit, see how flawlessly we fit. See in those moments we are perfect, and I can't even fathom how much I love you.

I cant remember the last time I felt this helpless
and I'm trying so hard to find a way out of this
I thought about it today, stood high rise on the carpark
staring over, into the floor laid jagged down below
I can't imagine an ending without you, and you have to know
I want you so much, I want this so much, I can think of nothing else
I want you to tell me we'll work it out, and I want you to mean it
I want you to tell me there's nobody else, and I need you to believe it
I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it without a stomach
without a heart and without a brain, see I left my heart back on that train
I'll pick it back up when I see you again. I really hope it's not too late
I promise I'll wait, I can wait if you can wait

I never thought this song would sound so significant
that it would be so delicately intertwined
it was just melodic mess, just simply nice
it was never meant to burrow inward and hide
it's not relevant, not stated, just saturated plain
and now it's here, throwing riddels around my brain
and it sounds so real, it's so right, though it was written for us
and it's terrifying, I need to drag myself out of this mess
before I make something out of nothing and ruin this

I wanted to write something for you
'cause you're struggling with absence, I know
and though you don't see it, I'm struggling too
dreading each day a little more until you go
until you leave and I'm left swallowed
I'm always thinking of you, always waititng for you
always planning the smallest parts of tomorrow
and every part of tomorrow revolves around you
I'm not going anywhere, and you're staying with me
There's nowhere on earth that I would rather be

If not for you, I would have lost myself some time ago
I'd still be falling, stumbling through days, still waiting
if not for you, there would be these little holes inside of me
but I'm not panicked and I'm not broken anymore
you patched me up and held me in, and now I'm strong
so I'm going to fix you up now, I'm going to help you get along

It's been a while and now your smile is almost like a memory, but then you're back and I'm fine 'cause you're with me, and I'm in love with you. And I can't find the words to make it sound unique, but honestly you make me strong, I cant believe I found someone this kind. I hope we carry on, cause I'm in love with you.

You have this tendency to do everything just right
when I'm running red, heading high
you send me back to meet the ground
when I'm running red, heating up
you touch me slight and cool me down
when I'm burrowing inward, holding a frown
you open me up and let me breathe new
and yes I fight, but I lose and I can't fail to smile
so stay up with me, and talk me through and through
'cos it turns out I can't sleep good without you

even if you fade back and fall deep into memory
know this, you'll never be forgotten, not readily, not easily
even if it's aching pain and I'm ambushed, choking
even if it's pushed so far down and kept in shadows
you'll always be the first, you'll always be the best
you'll always be the one who saved me from myself
you'll always be the one who kept me from harm
you'll always be the one who kept my feet placed firm
the one who kept me holding on, holding strong for you
so no matter what happens, no matter who else adheres
I always loved you first, it'll always be you who stole me

You're exactly where you were always supposed to be
I know you're a good man, and I know you mean well
and I don't hate you as much today, Im in a good place see
but you're just this faceless voice, confined to a cell
you're not my dad anymore, you're not my family
It's not easy, this isn't coming so steadily for me
but I think I've stretched as far as I can without breaking
so it's time to let me go, I need to be rid of you completely
and don't be weak, and don't be cruel, just try to understand
you're no good for me, you're a cancer, you're destructive
and I'm holding on to too much right now
I won't let you touch something this good
you can't stand taller than me pa, if you lack a spine
and it's cruel I know, but you've been dead to me for such a long time
so stop condemning me to stretch empty words with a ghost
and let me keep this love in tact, let me keep what's mine
just fade away into dim memory, don't fight this reality
'cos when mothers breath faltered and fell weak
you killed the space I reserved for you inside of me

One of those days. Today I simply can't get out of bed, I can't stretch a smile, it's weak and falters, and you're dancing in circles again, around, inside my head. I want every single crevice of you, every trembling chest, every minuscule flickered look, every short breath, and I want to keep them safe, to hold them still in a cave of palms with fingers locked tight, so the light can't get in, nothing else can get in.

i heard, he said it perfectly
so why water it down
it serves nothing to be diluted
it shows you nothing if it's polluted
so i'll just use his words
i won't dance around it aimlessly
see, they shape around you flawlessly

i am so in love with you.

K, here's your ride, get your petals out and lay them in the aisle
Pretend you are God, and grow and that it's your own day to wed
We have found your man, he is drinking up
He's all American, and he'll drive
He has volunteered with grace to end your life

We'll tidy up, it's sad to hold, but leave your shell to us
You explode, you firefly, you tiny boat with oars, feather oars
The world tilts back and pours and pours
And so, you satellite, you tidal wave, you're a big surprise
And I have one more night to be your mother

Her signal was interrupted
My baby's frequency not strong enough
Her head in my hands and smiling
K, we will miss you but in time you'll get set up and we will write
Hey, you beauty supreme, yeah you were right about me
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
In the choir, I saw our sad Messiah
He was bored and tired of my laments
He said, "I died for you one time, but never again"

Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby and don't reply
Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby and don't reply
Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it

I'll never have to buy adjacent plots of earth
We'll never have to rot together underneath dirt
I'll never have to lose my baby in the crowd
I should be laughing right now.

i'm fine, i'll keep saying that i'm fine
but it's a lie, it's all sedated, it's all lies
you know i can't keep it all held up inside
i'm ecstatic, i'm elated, i'm so fucking high
and it's all fractured, captured by you
see, you broke me, opened me sideways
and i'm spilling out, so you're filling me in
i don't know how this is piercing me, but it is
i don't know how you're piercing me, but you are
i can't explain this to you, i've tried, i'll still try
though it always comes about without, it's always runs dry
it's without all these thoughts that drown me, they suffocate me
this is it, it's you, you're everything, you're light.
and i'm still blind, but i'm feeling you out
and i'll fill you in, if you just give me some time

rapidly becoming a little less scared
a little less terrified, a little less guarded
i'm still unsure, still considering, still ordered
but it's falling so fast, so quickly unraveling
with every conscious moment i'm traveling back
to that tender place when it's only me and you
when you fit into the jagged part of me that is empty
the unkept part, deep, that is hidden and lonely
still, i don't know how to think of it in any logical way
i only know one critical thing, i only want you
all the time, every shared moment, every day
and i don't ever want that aching again, i never want you to be away
i just want you to come back, and i want you to stay
distance will soon be dissipated, so don't you cry again
and believe me when i say, that when it's my choice
i'll always choose you, i'll never leave this bed empty again

i can't do this, can't think of anything
just empty, this hurts too much. i feel sick



please come back

seagulls

it's too quiet tonight, so i'm restless
always moving, i'm anything but listless
you're everywhere, you're all over
curled inside my sheets, backlit in my mirror
you're inside these songs, it's feels as though
each word was written for me and you
this one particularly, and it frightens me
but breathing steady, here is the only place i want to be
with you, tightly coiled, where the moon has stolen light
so i'll play it for you, when the time is right
and then you'll understand what i'm trying to say
when i'm barely awake, at the end of every day

there are no pretenses here
everything is laid out so delicate
so mystery is shed, mystery is lacking
and illusions are intense, endlessly stacking
it's unfamiliar, untread ground, so i'm tiptoeing slight
but don't fret sweetheart, it's all turning up
it switched ever so fast, and it feels just right
and you know how i think that you're just right

It's you. Just you and barely anything else.

Tomorrow could be the best day of your life.

everything is so white, just blank, i can't find them
there are no words, no words come to mind
the only thing etched across is this constant smile
when waiting to stay with you and simply waste time
it doesn't falter, it isn't fickle, it's brand new
and it's yours, it's all yours
you have no idea just how good i'll be to you

oh god, you make my ears bleed
you are not poetic, nor deep
you are just really, very embarrassing
so please just stop, just go away

it's all about you, in this very moment, right now everything is about you.

someday my pain, someday my pain will mark you.

this is constant, building, and my smile is unwavering
i can't wait to see light, to see where this takes me
you have no idea just how good this all could to be

I think this waiting has put a stop on my eyes
and I'm just holding still for you to draw me in tight
maybe I've opened my mind one too many times
that now the latch is worn and I'm too tired
to keep hold of wonder, to draw it inside

Still looking at it?

You're so very delusional and quite possibly deranged, intent on revenge of some sorts, but there's no one here but you to blame. I'm not yours, and I never was. You sought after something unattainable, right from the start, right from the get go you formed your own barricade, got down on your knees and got in your own way. Just let it go, it's becoming a little pathetic now, it was an empty lie and it amounts to nothing. I don't know what you think you've achieved, or of these holes you think you've punched in me, but nothing has changed, I'm still the same, I'm only better for it.
I get why you're so angry, but you need to suck it up, 'cos you're just embarrassing yourself now. You really do look like a fool. You're lucky that I'm a better person, it could have played out quite different. I had a fucking army flanking. I could have been so cruel.

Seriously, get over it.

i'm praying for nightmares again tonight, so i've riddled myself with terror all day long. silently hoping for something to fear, wanting for anything, even in sleep. i need to be rid of this place, it's numbing, like a slowly creeping, all consuming lithium.

empty bed. breathing steady
smile is etched healthy
stretched thin across

empty bed. can't breathe

cruel, but i can't help but find this ever so funny
and i just feel sorry, chin up, i really am sorry
you'll get someone who wants you, but that's not me
you can drop all your pretenses now, i'm not angry
not even a little

oh ps. i miss you

fuck.
it just hit me hard, real hard, that when i leave
it's the last you will ever see of me
i pushed all this pent up feeling right out on my sleeve
'cause i've nothing to lose, i'll be gone before the ground meets my feet
i put it all out there, told you exactly what you wanted to hear
so i can quiet this aching, silence that nagging fear
'cause right then, that was the only chance i'll ever get
so i'll smile and be foolish, i can take solace in that
i won't spend years wondering, clutching tight to regret

Give it a little more time. Rest assured, you'll be alright.
With a heart like yours, you'll do just fine.

you have no idea just how many times you've saved me. fuck, i'm going to miss you so much when i leave, sometimes i can't bear the thought of it. you really are the very best part of me.

all i have to offer now is drivel, this fractured smile and a fucking terrible cope method, i can't muster up anything coherent, propelling all this happiness outward, only outward, nothing gets soaked in. my head is blank, there really is nothing.

In these times, when enduring great strain
I do it, I've done it, just shut down my brain
It's a blocking system, it reduces the pain
Shutting, cutting it out with nothing to gain
My heart is aching, bloated inside my chest
Nothing touches me here, all I do is rest
It's like you are trying, putting me to a test
Stay silent, stay absent, keep molesting my heart

I never felt so entirely breathless
this is fine, just keep telling myself I'm fine
and this is all in place, it's all for the best
I'm so good at lying
see I lied when I said it was all in my head
'cos nine times out of ten it was you I wanted

everything once neatly stacked is now scattered, it's all over, and i'm trying but i can't keep hold of all these pieces, it's shattered glass cutting deep, shredding apart shaking hands.

asprin

today i opened my mouth too wide
and swallowed a cluster of tiny flies
now they are growing fast inside
i feel them swelling, and swimming around
what if they grow too large, what if they multiply
i can't fight them when they're shielded
they laugh deep echoes, mocking me
what are you eating inside there?
food no longer fills me, stomach's always empty
i'll give up, yield all pride and sacrifice
most of nothing and all of this
for one chance, i can't hold on to sand, i must
exhale dirt, open eyes, firmly hold bliss

everything was in technicolor for a short time
i blinked twice, now it's back to black and white

i guess love's a funny thing the way it fades away without a warning
it doesn't ask to be excused
and when it's gone, oh it's gone, it ain't ever coming back
there is nothing you can do to save it
to make it breathe the way it did, when you were sliding on the ring
trust me, it's gone for good
now there is nothing you can do stop me
she is happy when she is with me, and i am, i am finally alive
i'm sorry

don't write me

empty stock, you're flailing fluttered through the breeze
so perfectly unlocked, just paining in comparison
you can't stain this part of me, this part is shallow
you'll never attain this part of me, this part is callous
you'd be robbed and beaten if i could follow my instinct
left waiting, only waiting for me to feel some distinct guilt
i won't touch that side, not for your empty pleading, not from shallow breathing
you can hold tight to hope, but it's hopeless, any part of me to attain is flawless
and your flaws rise sky high, don't cascade, you are a fucking mess
you are nothing to be touched, stay far away, you digress
to lower stages to unread pages, something i'll no longer be enraged by
you're no longer here, and i want nothing of you, i wish i were nothing of you
but still i'm half of you, and that half is something to detest
now i'm left with this split person, one which smiles, the one to desire, to celebrate
the other, it's murderous, it's terrifying, it cowers and holds nothing but hate
and i am sorry, i know it's cruel, but i'll say it anyway
i wish you were dead, i've wished for it every day

you crawled up inside and now you won't go, you won't leave
and i thought i saw you last night, woven around me, tangled between my sheets
i felt you crying, heavy flagging, hiding back beneath my sleeve
the windows smashed inside, crashed up, stopped dangling over the eave
i've started to doubt it, started to believe this isn't all it promised to be
and now something's blocking, shielding you, something silent is screaming at me
to stop

no será tan fácil ya sé qué pasa
no será tan simple como pensaba
quién dijo que todo está perdido
yo vengo a ofrecer mi corazón

white sheets

i only want a glimpse of you to fade back to
small moments, modest for me to stake claim to
i've read and re read their memories
but i don't own any of them, they aren't mine
i just need this something, anything
if only the smallest flash to grasp
to clutch on to and hold so tight
when it's so still, when it's real quiet
in the farthest most tragic depths of night

don't fret

i read everything that you meant to write
though my head was tilted
and my eyes meandered a little to the left
they focused nevertheless

Full Lungs Bursting

i wrote and rewrote the last prose 8 times
lingered and dithered over the last 3 lines
i'm out, running dry on anger now
just solemnly owed, not quite devout
there's only one way to tame a naughty child
through mild mannered will and acceptance
reluctance to raise a hand is suggested
trust nothing told, tried or tested
it was you who said it, not me
i'm too exhausted to continue to fight
you're just stubborn and i'm bored now
eager to shed you, i'm finally beginning to forget you
like i've said a dozen times, it wasn't you it couldn't have been
it only was, it must have been the situation in which i was encased in
because there's really not that much to you, pretty boring, not quite pretty
ill mannered and self repressed, all to eager to get undressed
though i don't know why you would, i'm ever so sorry sweetheart
but you're really not so good.

below is not relevant, it doesn't touch on today, it's never relevant the day after or the day after that, so inward bound and momentarily intense, the last 18 hours have blurred the ache and shed dust on it, abandoning perseverance, replacing it with dragged sunlight. it's all so enraptured now. everything is warm, i am alright.

can't breathe, can't think, my eyes burn blurry. i'm so close to the edge and i can't remember how to get back to safety. there's only one way that i can think to quiet this. it's too loud, it's deafening when i'm alone. i can't be here anymore.

i don't know how to be well in this place, the pit is back and it has grown tenfold, it's all too much to bear. i'm done waiting, i'm ready to leave now, it's time to leave. i need to be away from here.

it's true, nothing makes sense i know
and i can't stand here and tell you straight
say that it's all going to be fine, that it will all be okay
that it will work itself out, and you'll be alright again one day
i can't lie to you, not now, not in this circumstance
i'm sorry, i'm so sorry but i just can't fix this
i would tend to it, but i've never been given the chance
i want it so much, only to rearrange your deranged thoughts
to place them down, neatly stacked, tidy to the side
but i can't bear it anymore, i tried, i really did
i really fucking tried

You won't read a single word about you. They aren't about you, not anymore.

the sun is creeping, so it's time for a relapse
this time it's not obscure, there's no room for collapse
i'm going to cave in, i've folded internally, it's decided
i want it again, and i want it now, i'll welcome eyes blotted
don't look at me from a height, drop down, stay low, stay still
don't empty your mouth and keep distance, i'm taking anyone down with me

and in what seemed like a finale Tommy dropped to the floor
causing the room to erupt into laughter and rapturous applause
the curtain closed, lights went up and there was no encore
everybody left there seats and headed for the door
unbeknown to them they had witness Tommy Cooper's death
he had given his all until he had nothing left
now please note that at the moment that this entertainer died
even with a room full of people not one tear was cried
much less, they rose to their feet as they laughed and clapped
now tell me one fucking thing that's more beautiful than that...

you can't just put your finger on this
'cause today is the only day i can recall
i'm so clean, so fucking content
i could explode from this feeling
it's not captured that i'm left reeling
because it's unbelievably beautiful here
and i could stay stood still until you see fit to appear

can't stop.

i keep trying to write something about
but i'm only coming up short, finishing without
i don't know that i can put it into words
only that i saw everything and that i heard it all
i'll fix this all up in my head in no time at all

the truth it gets distorted, the wall scrapings get snorted

to do with myself

i don't like this place
i don't like it here at all
nothing fits not without being jarred
and i don't like the way you talk
not now, not anymore

you're shifting sideways, always moving but forward never. there's something of momentum to desire, but desire makes you all that less willing. you're still crouched in the shadows you know, still hidden, guarded but opening wider, and even though it's rife i know nothing of you, only that i want to know you. it's going round circle, and i'll find myself right back here in no time at all, but i hate this place, so please just stop.

you really have no idea
i don't, you can't imagine

opened cracked, taking breath, stretching lids now
wasn't aware i could cry that much, i've been harvesting tears
you learn something new every day, this isn't for you
lean in, suck fresh air, cold lips are waiting

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling
I think I saw you in my dreams,
You were stitching up the seams
On every broken promise that your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep
Oh, I think I saw you in my sleep, darling
I think I saw you in my dreams,
You were stitching up the seams
On every broken promise that your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep
I thought I heard the door open, oh no
Thought I heard the door open, but I only heard it close
I thought I heard a plane crashing
But now I think it was your passion snapping
I think you saw me confronting my fear
It went up with the bottle and went down with the beer
And I think you oughta stay away from here
There are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ear
I think I saw you in my sleep, lover
I think I saw you in my dreams
You were stitching up the seams
On every mangled promise that your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep

i haven't thought about you in months.
when you're spoken of it's all numb, like a monotonous script laid before me, like i'm being teleprompted, nothing is drawn from inside. how hard is it to simply think of you, to register that you were once here and that you had meaning, you had a laugh and you had a smile. you can't even measure how tragic it is that you're not here when you compare it to the fact that nobody cares anymore, you aren't prominent, and you aren't registered correct or aching in our memory. it makes me sick, and right now i am the worst of us. you don't deserve this, i wish we could trade places.

you know what they say about truth

I don't want to do this anymore
but don't fret, don't look up and fret
don't be fooled by the generality, those words
they aren't deep, not crass or meaningful
they are simply shallow, completely innocent
though the weight blinds, heavy and full

Sometimes it feels like a barricade
that keep us away
to keep us away, it kind of does
It starts to feel like a barricade
to keep us away
Keep us away you know us

Full speed half blind full tilt decline
we turn to past times full speed half blind
full speed half blind full tilt decline
onto all time full speed half blind

echoes lay in wait, silent, hoping for a signal
as she empties herself of fear and plunges headfirst
her denial is superfluous and growing
her hair grand and healthy, flowing
her eyes flicker, shifting nervously, they don't linger
but don't be fooled brown eyes, they saw you
she breathes and tries to digest what was said
with no avail, it sits uncomfortable inside her arched head
weighs heavy on a full and trembling chest
she lays in wait, hoping for some signal
drawing in the dusty night, quietly taming it with healthy lungs

no masks here, i'll ignite, i'm just a fucking fool
this mind is so clouded by reckless thoughts, echoes
always picking and picking apart, dragging upside
i never realised before. it's me, not them
so fucking self destructive, reclusive, inverted
so concerned with myself, i can't even see it for what it is
could have been something nice, even meager
it's such poor intent, it's funny climbing up is the best i get
so i keep dropping low, bracing myself to stand back up
this routine is driving me insane, i'm so close to breaking
this constant rise and fall is making me sick
i'm going to be sick

it's like learning a new language

i have a good feeling about this
just dwell and see how it plays out
let it tower up, swell and burst
before it begins to fade back out

if only you'd been a little more devious
held on tight a little bit longer
stuck around a couple more weeks
and you'd have had me round your finger
could have had anything you wanted
would have given you anything you wanted

you don't even try, and that's the hardest part
i'm so inadequate in comparison
all the signs are imminent, you aren't subtle
but so intriguing, so unaffected
mockery is outright deception, it's reeling
and you've only seen that one side, the rest is kept
it's holding, just waiting to curve around your edge
i like everything that i've seen, i like you best

now i'm going to tunnel out
become drowned by sunlight
if only to be breathless
if only to suffocate

now it might be when i'm thinking of you, you're thinking of me
you're not as opaque as you had once seemed

i will die young
i will die young
i will die young
i will die young

if you could only
if you could leave
if you could only be mine
if you could leave
i need someone
i need someone

thats why i wrote you those short letters
'cause i really thought i was going to die
and i didn't want to leave it, to leave you
without that one pathetic empty goodbye
but i'm here now, i didn't get stuck there
and there is no sense grappling with the past
lets make these last few months outstanding
because baby, these few months are my last