scrape all your endeavours and push them together

life is so good right now, if a little overbearing
i can't find it anywhere in myself not to wear a grin
though i'm a bit lonely in my new half glass room
in a bed too big, with walls too tall and blindingly white
lets have a sleepover, perched under shadowed dotted lights
just half inside, halfway out

moving into my new room, i found 15 years worth of simon's diaries from before. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't read them. i shouldn't. i can't.

26th april 1987...

oh god

three, four years and we're still going strong
i could age with you for a lifetime, and it still wouldn't be too long
i have so much time to offer to you
every other piece of myself has been altered by you
momentary relapse and functionally challenged
but i'd take it any other way with a sour look, pained
i can't bring myself to lie, even petty, though there are some i must upkeep
there's still a mirror part of me that you can't reflect, some i must retreat
something underneath you might never see, something dark and kept
don't fret though, i'll save you my light, and the echoes of laughter
and we'll charm throughout the night, and roll onto the next chapter
i'm so happy that i am aging with you
so content the next page yet to come features you
don't disappear before i do, let's drive it out, you me them me and you
you'll always be my number one
three, four years on and we'll still be going strong
tears are rarely shed, but i could cry at how much i do
and it's rarely ever said, but you know, i really fucking love you!


it's the good life better than the life i live when i thought that i was gonna go crazy
and now my grandmama ain't the only girl calling me baby
if you feeling me now then put your hands up in the sky
and let me hear you say hey hey hey hey i'm good

i can't even remember the date
when was it, when the hell was it?
oh my god, this has truly destroyed me

prick up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUjfPVFhxhE

1131

look, my eyes remain milky again and it makes me wonder if i've been seeing thinks through hazy filters all of this time, i'm a little wiser today, a little less ignorant, a little more coherent, even if my hands are shaking and my eyesight is dotted and flickered with tiny sun spots, i see things for what they are today, maybe this will prove to be an altercation, maybe i'll remove myself from this, just drag myself away.

five days

here i go again, plunging fast, going with the wrong grain
get ready for another wave of deterioration

i can't even make this flow, inside my head, on paper, through keys.
everything that you coincide with is ruptured inside my brain.

Stella, Stellaha, oh Stella. Stella i love you, Stella i love you, Stella i love you

overread

ohhh today was a good one, i like these people
i like this place and the sounds and the state
my friends are in high demand, but still here, still mine
and there's never a moment of wasted time
never time to be had laying down
nothing goes to waste right now
trust has already been set to a test
and god it's at it's high, all time best
i could linger with you for endless evers
just empty packets and empty lighters
full, bursting, laughing heads and ears open
i really do love you, you make life magnificent!

eyes have barely two tracks and fingers are void from repetition
i so want to write something poetic, something explanatory
but all i can think of is



teach me some new words?

fucking postets

you were on my mind today, morbidity is a common factor for any endurance, the outright lack of you, too much, it's overbearing, and words mean less than nothing, they are shallow. nothing that i write will ever serve you well.
you will not burrow into light, only darkness, only bones, born dead, opening imaginary alternatives, imaginary memories, this is just a vicious joke, none of this will change a thing, how tragic to live on the edge of hope, only hopeless. reality is a cruel picture of fate withered and faded. i can't think of your face anymore, opening the wound is too hard.
i'm breathless, mind is numb. go back to sleep, i might see you once more when my mind is dead, when my eyes are dull.

keep healthy lungs

you shouldn’t be alone in there you could be above ground
all i want is to be the very best for you



don't you dare ever come back home
this isn't yours, you aren't welcome here anymore
can you even comprehend the damage you have caused
you have destroyed so much, killed so many
my hatred is limitless now, you deserve nothing from me
you no longer have a child, and you are not my family
you must hear the contempt in my tone, through my words
leave hope far behind, because there is nothing waiting for you upon your return

i want her, i only ever want her
you fucked it all up, and i won't forgive you anymore
you selfish, evil, deceitful, engorging, ignorant, lying, fucking prick
i wish it was you who was dead, and that she were here instead

it's so fast, too fast

i can't bear to give in to sleep
what a shame, this single bed
can't waste ourselves face down
i only want to keep time with you
beating heart, i can you hear inside
i still almost taste it, it taste's floral
i give up, my eyes are closed

'sometimes, i forget to remember you.'



still relevant. i'm so sorry

promise to keep your shirt on tonight

i'm going to miss this room
a homestead devoted to aging
i'll search for the buzzing of downstairs
and listen for the click of the radiator
i'm going to long for these walls
all covered in faces, doused in frantic colour
i'm especially going to miss that door
with it's pink dome and its bucket poured
so messy and cluttered, cheap and doctored

new home, new friends, new clothes, new plans, new job
new money, new music, new skills, new car, new orientation
new interest, new feeling, new ideas, new dreams, no dreams
i'm brand new

i will come back one day
and i hope you are still here
when i return
please don't be buried
please don't be burned

preparing to stutter

may i capture the buzzing within your head. hold your crumpled ideas with a determined hand and effortlessly straighten them out, let me smooth out the creases above your eyes, and mold your cheeks into a healthy smile, i don't want your mind to hurt.
you help my stomach do flips. lets start over.

i could sit in this spot all day and night
smoking and listening to florence
slightly shaded, but not too much
i don't want to talk or think here
just sit and be shallow, almost empty
my body's quite worn right now
but i'm still going to dance tonight
and i won't sleep again tonight
worn worn overly tired out and breaking
still, i'ma be alright, i always am
it's only minor chemicals in my system
and an irritating, overbearing chest infection

i'm feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic, you could have it all, but how much do you want it

the morning ache is coming about
waiting in a smoke hazed fresh room
condemning the birds, running from light
there's nothing miserable about today
only one small hindrance, empty shell
i don't want closed eyes, it's only wasteful
i'm in a trance, no coherent words escape me
only muddled half rhymes and well planned allowances
see how tall these lines are thinning
not small and sharp, ran from the beginning
open empty, alcoves are plenty and growing
tiny ulcers form inside my neck
crawling on out, searching for light
open your mouth, swallow this might
wash it right down, and clutch it so tight
don't let it go, not now, not tonight
see where this heads, i bet it's alright

this is old, bitter that it still holds some value

again i'm sitting in the familiar spot
it's hard to deny i'm writing where i should not
it's harder to defy i'm thinking what i cannot
my home head is blank and dreary
my body defies logic, it's endlessly weary
the bright of the screen eludes most of what is behind
white colour drowns my sight and throws me blind
i need to escape the comfort of this cage
a nightmare of grey and white monotony
to look closely at the terrifying concept of age
dragged on and on in the same four borders
i couldn't want for less, and i will not be selfless
when my life is dragging, snails pace too quick
get off this bandwagon, hide, die or get sick
the tiredness is creeping, gaining momentum
i'm hoping it doesn't get too close
'cos these smokes have ruined my lungs
and god knows, i'm in no shape to run

good morning
good weather
good day ahead
good god

homestead

open envy, excitement and eclipse

how petty a person i am, shallow, self involved
i haven't had the time to think of you yet today

i miss you so much, it grinds inside my stomach
don't be stupid, how can you miss a stranger?
how could you be so selfish, leaving me here
you are cruel, you are unknown, you disappear
why won't you stay in my memory, you are only dark fear
i'm so sorry, i shouldn't speak, i should never move
just sit inside and dissolve inward, just like you
feed the earth, open my heart and fill it with fear
give birth to these flowers, i'll nourish them with tears
i'll water them every day i think of you
i can't begin to find any words that match this, myself
can't do any justice to the amount of pain present
why did she make me think of you again
you were gone, cast from my mind, it's been months
i cannot speak of you without feeling a choke
i can't bear you to fade anymore, you were never here
broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken

i will never know the right way to think of you
i'm fine with it okay, i'm so good at lying
it's been 11 years okay, i'm so good at lying
really, life is great okay, i'm so good at lying
i had even fooled myself, i'm so good at lying
you're already gone, i can't differentiate now
what is right? what is wrong?
this isn't real though is it, is it real
i'm not inside a box, not nailed shut
not searching for a hole that holds light
not burrowing for air or hyperventilating
not empty of substance, mind and memories

i've missed my cue now, really gone off track
all i really wanted to say was that i love you
and i miss you so much, everything black
stop fucking around now, just please come back?

too fuzzy fuzzy

frustrating? welcome home