ever so gradually emptying the spaces
reserved in my room for all my belongings
trying my best to avoid wondering of places
reserved in my head for endless longings
i feel like i'm not even here
i feel like i've drifted sideways
i'm lost in a different dimension
i am an extension of my real self
i'm clawing at the walls of reality
parallel to those visible to my own short sight
my body is just floating, defiant of gravity
a white noise has entered my ears and it won't leave
it's too loud, it's filling the quiet,
a film covers everything in sight, i can't breathe

If you're lucky you'll get 36,501. 
But who knows, maybe it will be 23,890.
Or maybe you will only get 9,855.
Days, that is. Days to be alive. 
It really doesn't seem like much, not when you break the years up. 

i will come back one day
and i hope you are still here when i return
please don't be buried
please don't be burned

/bʌɪˈpəʊlə/

adjective

1. 1.

   having or relating to two poles or extremities.
2. 2.

   (of psychiatric illness) characterized by both manic and depressive episodes, or manic ones only.

there is no way i could ever spill everything i hold in you on to a page, i could never curve words around the shape of your jaw, or your light breath edging closer to a snore, when you are pressed so close to me, even in sleep still clutching so tight. i could never speak of you right, not in a light anything other than dim glow, i could never speak the words without them appearing slow, calculated. but see there is nothing calculated about this, there is nothing malicious about us, nothing scripted or offered as false. i have given you every single crevice of me, all of the jagged parts of my mind, the depths of my unconscious, the lengths of my shallow fears. i would give you anything that you needed, anything i could offer, i would in an instant. Sometimes i can't believe i am part of something so perfect, so pure, so untainted and so sure. i have never been sure of anything before. always second guessing, always looking for an alternative when failure strikes. but there is no alternative to you, this is my whole life. it's laid bare for me to see, it just you and me. i'm going to keep you close forever, i'm never going to let you stray behind. I'll always be running to catch you up if you fall into a quick stride. there is nothing else in this world that i am perfectly and entirely sure of. but i am sure of you, i'd put everything of myself, everything that i have in you. i love every single crevice of you, i love every fleeting moment with you.

morning
wake up, close my eyes, open my eyes, close my eyes, plunge my face into a pillow, stand up, drudge down cold stairs, smoke, drink juice,  orange puke, brush my teeth, look in the mirror, try to decipher who is peering back at me, vomit in the sink, wash it down with clear water.
old habits die hard, new habits die harder.

the weight pressing upon me is enormous
the strain on my thoughts are becoming too much
my imagination is becoming too furious
i'm starting to believe I can't keep hold of something this good
i'm so terrified of dying
i'm so terrified of eveything

you crawled up inside and now you won't go, you won't leave 
and i thought i saw you last night, woven around me, tangled between my sheets
i felt you crying, heavy flagging, hiding back beneath my sleeve
the windows smashed inside, crashed up, stopped dangling over the eave 
i've started to doubt it, started to believe this isn't all it promised to be
and now something's shielding you, something silent is screaming at me
to stop

17.03.11

today i cried, a crumpled heap on the floor
that feeling washed over me again
i don't want to think about it anymore
i can't keep thinking of the how and when
it's like however hard i try to fool, to distract myself
my thoughts are endlessly edging back to ill health
and when they fall firm on a moment it makes me sick
right down into the pit of my stomach
it's like one deafening blow, one sharp hit
right down into the depths of my chest
and i'm left a cracked, beaten, a mess
i couldn't do this whole thing without you
i couldn't open my eyes again without you
there would be no tomorrow if you were stolen from today
i am strong, i am balanced and i fight
but there would be a little less than nothing left inside
i would shift into vapor so rapidly, so entirely
and it's not metaphor, it's not a possibility
it's all truth and all promise. if you leave, i'll be close behind
i'm sorry sweetheart i know that you would mind
but the world would crush me and i'd never be found
so if you go, you won't be without me for much time
i'll be running, sprinting, fumbling to wrap your hand back around mine