I think I have started to realise how much people underestimate the finality of death. It has become such a normality, so revisited, so reviewed, such a topic of conversation that we don't really register it as truth. I think we forget that when it comes, that when you die, that when your heart falters, and you taste breath for the last time, you don't get another year after that, you don't get another ten, it's not a test run for the real deal. When you die, you're done. That is it.
That is all the time you had. That is everything you ever did. That is every memory you ever made. That is every time you ever laughed. Every time you ever said 'hi'. That is everyone you ever knew, that is everyone you never made the time to meet. That is her, that is him, that is the one that you held dearest. That is the one you loved the most, the one you loved so much your heart could just explode, the one you could not do without. That is every time you ever danced. That is your favourite movie. That is the best sex you ever had. That is your first car. That is your favourite song. That is your best friend. That is it. It's gone.
So just take a moment, take one minute out of your miserable, wasted life and think. Think about the concept of this moment being your last, consider the possibility that after you have wrapped up this thought your mind goes blank and that is it, there's no time to reflect on what you were thinking, there is no time to come to a conclusion, there is no time to get up and go to the bathroom after this thought. There is no time to look at the clock and wonder what time you should go to sleep tonight, or to ponder what you might have for lunch tomorrow, or what you might wear on Saturday night. There is no time for you to google pictures of a place that you will never fucking visit, or think about someone that you wont ever fucking talk to, there's no time for you to trawl through your facebook and look at pictures of other people's life. Because that is it, that is all the time that you were allowed to live. It is a very real possibility. It is not entirely out of the question that tonight might be the last night you spend alive. With that in mind, what the fuck are you doing with your time? What the fuck am I doing with my time. What have you done in the last week that has made you truly happy, what have you done to enrich yourself? Did you buy a new shirt? Fucking good for you. Did you give your change to a homeless person? Oh well done give yourself a pat on the back. Have you made a difference? Have you made yourself proud? Do you feel all full up? When was the last time you kissed the person you love like your life depended on it? When was the last time you kissed someone full stop? When was the last time you told your dad you love him? When was the last time you walked out on something you don't give a shit about? When was the last time you stood up for someone? When was the last time you had nothing to complain about? When was the last time you cleared out your bank and left town, just because... why the fuck not? When was the last time you didn't feel tired? When was the last time you did everything you ever said you would do? When was the last time you didn't make an excuse for not taking a chance? Stop wasting your time on anything that you don't believe in, stop wasting your time on people that you don't like. Find something better to do with your time. You hate your job, fucking quit. You hate your wife, get a divorce. You hate your life, fucking change it. This isn't a badly organised dress rehearsal and you just know that on the day it will be much better... Stop kidding yourself! Fucking man up, this is it! This is your life. This is all you fucking get! Stop wasting it!
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