I'm not here anymore
I'm still here
I checked out months ago
I'm still here
I'll be gone again soon
I'm still here
I hardly think about you at all
I'm still here
I'm not here anymore
I'm not anywhere when im not with her

i don't have any secrets from you
i told you everyday with my eyes
i took a breath last week and emptied out
all of my grief and all of my doubt
i doubled over, my chest closed tight
dropped tearstained lashes and slept all night
awaking to a brand new mind
a fresh new heart, i woke to find
exactly what i left in the dark
sleeping soundly by my side
never shallow, never malicious
all too ready to cover me in kisses.
it's not the same as it was before.

they said to stand in a line
they try to put you in a wall
no one wants to hear your mind spill
if they cant understand you at all
you say there's a population crisis
you say the world is too small
everyone's too busy for an agenda
too distracted for an uprising
too tired to stand, or walk
or get back up if they happen to fall
we were not meant for hearts and minds
nothing in this world is real and true
excuse me as i break a little further

It's

All

So

Bland

One
Day
You'll
All
Be
Gone 

my mind is brimming with things I can never not keep
like how your face smooths when you're barely asleep
or how your voice changes ever so slightly at the edges
when you're losing patience with me
and there are things that I'm trying to forget
but I know they'll never really go away
it's impossible and it's unnerving holding the world at bay
being days away, in something untouched, something unchanged
when every day is different, but the night is always the same
when I can't get to sleep, I go to my safety place
it's dark and it's quiet, it's you and it's me
and every night that's how I drift off to sleep
with an image of your face clinging to my conscious
every day I wake with you sitting heavy on my conscience

today is nestled deep into the clutches of autumn
but it feels like the first of spring
my smile is unwavering, it's stretching
I've reached past land, across the seas
I am at home, under the steady mass of trees
in the comfort of fresh cold and still winds
clutching a pile of fresh new yellow daffodils
floating absent minded, walking alone
eyes up, facing the sky, dreaming of home.

I remember that it hurt,
looking at her hurt.

i hate everyone
in one way or another
i hate them all
they're all the same
shifting their funds
shifting the blame
thin, fat, short, tall
i hate them all
i fucking hate them all
but not you
i've never hated you

i'd lay down to rest in the crook of your arm
feel your body fight the urge to nervously shift
i'd feel you try to keep steady, to keep calm
and let the thrum of your heart drown out the world
i'd hold your fingers so tight and let your skin burn through mine
i'd speed up as you slow down until our breath ringed in time
i wouldn't want to go, but if i lost the fight
i couldn't think of a better place to be
when my world went black and my eyes closed soft
than with you, with your body locked around me
holding me so usual, as if i'm just drifting off to sleep