I don't seem to do a single thing here
I just lay and ever so gradually disappear
with every minute passed I simply wait for the next
the whole day is made up of these short lived rests
but they all add up, and before I know it's morning again
and my mouth hasn't moved and my mind hasn't sang
how can anybody end up right where they began
you are all cowards, you are all so silently terrified.

It's bitterly fucking cold tonight and you aren't here
so I'm dropping back into memory, you breathing close to my ear
clutched around so tight, spilling warmth into me
I can say with ease, there is nowhere on earth I'd rather be
than under draped covers, smothered ever so gently
your heartbeat humming that fast, familiar rhythm
the world buzzing, dulling outside, hidden
just barely aware of your body next to me
that is my undoubtedly favourite place to be
that is where I am really, fucking, happy

a drop in the ocean sets the waves in motion

rapidly growing, edging closer to knowing

but never fully building momentum

and just like everything else, it dies

falls dim and calms into a steady rhythm

and in time, it flows still once again 

remember not our faulty pieces 
remember not our rusted parts
It's not the petty imperfections that define us
but the way we hold our hearts 
and the way we hold our heads
I hope they write your name beside mine
on my gravestone when I'm dead

I need to leave 

I can’t marry this place

I won’t bury the past 

I just need a change of scenery 

I'm finally leaving

Full Lungs Bursting

I wrote and rewrote the last prose 8 times
lingered and dithered over the last 3 lines
I'm out, running dry on anger now
just solemnly owed, not quite devout
there's only one way to tame a naughty child
through mild mannered will and acceptance
reluctance to raise a hand is suggested
trust nothing told, tried or tested
it was you who said it, not me
but I'm too exhausted to fight
you're just stubborn and I'm bored now
eager to shed you, I'm finally beginning to forget you
like I've said a dozen times, it wasn't you it couldn't have been
it only was, it must have been, the situation in which I was encased in
because there's really not that much to you. Pretty boring, not quite pretty
ill mannered and self repressed, all to eager to get undressed
though I  don't know why you would, I'm ever so sorry sweetheart
but you're really not so good.

2010

Now I'm stretching out to grab the future
the sutures have fallen out and healed
I've peeled away a whole layer of skin
I let you in and you stopped the blood clot
you stopped me dead in my tracks
you stacked my hopes higher than before
you swore yourself to me, you swore that I am yours
you've promised me everything and more

I still yearn to see the world again through childlike eyes, to know everything but still wonder, to regard everything with such surprise

The comedown isn't so bad this time, you're curled in my arms our bodies woven round. It's true it's creeping, it was edging further and further up my chest, into and over my shoulders, but I'm holding it firm, you're keeping it at bay. My body is unwavering my jaw is fighting the sway. Feet, they're constantly twitching, my face aches and my eyes are fuzzy, my head is buzzing, my eyelids still fluttering violently. But your'e keeping my heartbeat slow, helping a steady rhythm, to calm me to a standstill, to keep me on the side of light, you're keeping my hands busy, you're keeping my lips distracted.

those crevices are so terribly inviting
so very terrifyingly exciting
it's as if someone had sketched them 
right after they dreamt them up
they are real, I think they are real

I have to jump on these chances
these days they're few and far between
they're still incoherent, not quite balanced
but they flow so easily
they come so naturally
not so drunk, not so sober
blurry eyed, eyes still not quite fluttered
not yet stuttering through words
I'm just at ease, not yet ill mannered


it's easier not to think.

I guess structure has kind of unnerved me
and I suppose I'm feeling a little nostalgic lately
reasonable and responsible by anyone's standards
I'm ever so polite, ever so grounded, so settled
don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give you up for anything
we've got this all planned out, and I know we'll be alright
You're everything I wan't in the light of day, but tonight
I'm just wanting for something that's been and gone
for a time when I couldn't count my worries 
not on all my fingers and all my toes, on a full head of hair
I'm wanting for broken thoughts and a fuzzy brain
for futile tears, restless sleep plagued with nightmares
to feel the full weight, to struggle with the strain
I just want to be sixteen again
I just want to be sixteen again

I wouldn't be surprised if this is brief

I'm tired and edging further into my sheets

but I've got you on my mind and today I can't help but think

that I couldn't tire of you, I wouldn't think you're a bore

I can't fathom a time when I'd enlist you as a chore

it's almost as if every time I see you, I love you more

surely this should be kept within a flaccid bind

It's incredulous to me, I'd never known I was capable

and this isn't poetic, it barely rhymes, it doesn't keep time

but it's justified

It's almost as though I can't write with a patched mind

anything sweet comes only in bitter lines

If that's the case, I don't want it, I don't want to write

I don't need it anymore.

Sometimes I want to live inside these lines

Because only in here are you alright

Somehow in these words I can evade time

In here I’m still yours and you're still mine

You’re still 32, you’re still bright eyed

You still have a voice, you still laugh and you smile

You still have a meaning, you’re not just deadweight

You never left, you’re still alive, you won’t die

You’ll stay trapped inside these lines, I won’t, I can’t let you escape. Not again, not this time.

It's almost as though you opened me up a little more time, with each break of the pump inside my chest I worried a little less, my creases were smoothed out, I was ever so gently unfolded. So I was ready when she came, I was open when she arrives, I spoke when she was here, I couldn't take her for granted, I couldn't if I tried. And I couldn't be angry about before, not now, not anymore.

It's all I can do not to think that I'll follow

but if you go, I go, see

I'll be empty, I'll be hollow

I won't know how to let you go

I've started to write again

You fill me with things that aren't sediment

they aren't doused in shadow, they are wonderful

and I'm easing them on to paper, still etched fine

they come out in short bursts, scrawled into messy lines

and they are scribbled blind, but they are all about you

I recalled the note just four hours too late
the note that I had written to hide in your pocket
found scrunched and snow weathered in mine
three hours after I put you on that train
three hours befiore I dreamt you were here again

my pillow smells like you and it puts holes in my gut
my mouth still tastes of you and it keeps tired eyes shut
I'll make a cocoon for the rest of the week, and the whole of next
I'll hibernate until you come back, cut me out and put breath into me