morning
wake up, close my eyes, open my eyes, close my eyes, plunge my face into a pillow, stand up, drudge down cold stairs, smoke, drink juice,  orange puke, brush my teeth, look in the mirror, try to decipher who is peering back at me, vomit in the sink, wash it down with clear water.
old habits die hard, new habits die harder.

the weight pressing upon me is enormous
the strain on my thoughts are becoming too much
my imagination is becoming too furious
i'm starting to believe I can't keep hold of something this good
i'm so terrified of dying
i'm so terrified of eveything

you crawled up inside and now you won't go, you won't leave 
and i thought i saw you last night, woven around me, tangled between my sheets
i felt you crying, heavy flagging, hiding back beneath my sleeve
the windows smashed inside, crashed up, stopped dangling over the eave 
i've started to doubt it, started to believe this isn't all it promised to be
and now something's shielding you, something silent is screaming at me
to stop

17.03.11