all i have to offer now is drivel, this fractured smile and a fucking terrible cope method, i can't muster up anything coherent, propelling all this happiness outward, only outward, nothing gets soaked in. my head is blank, there really is nothing.

In these times, when enduring great strain
I do it, I've done it, just shut down my brain
It's a blocking system, it reduces the pain
Shutting, cutting it out with nothing to gain
My heart is aching, bloated inside my chest
Nothing touches me here, all I do is rest
It's like you are trying, putting me to a test
Stay silent, stay absent, keep molesting my heart

I never felt so entirely breathless
this is fine, just keep telling myself I'm fine
and this is all in place, it's all for the best
I'm so good at lying
see I lied when I said it was all in my head
'cos nine times out of ten it was you I wanted

everything once neatly stacked is now scattered, it's all over, and i'm trying but i can't keep hold of all these pieces, it's shattered glass cutting deep, shredding apart shaking hands.

asprin

today i opened my mouth too wide
and swallowed a cluster of tiny flies
now they are growing fast inside
i feel them swelling, and swimming around
what if they grow too large, what if they multiply
i can't fight them when they're shielded
they laugh deep echoes, mocking me
what are you eating inside there?
food no longer fills me, stomach's always empty
i'll give up, yield all pride and sacrifice
most of nothing and all of this
for one chance, i can't hold on to sand, i must
exhale dirt, open eyes, firmly hold bliss

everything was in technicolor for a short time
i blinked twice, now it's back to black and white

i guess love's a funny thing the way it fades away without a warning
it doesn't ask to be excused
and when it's gone, oh it's gone, it ain't ever coming back
there is nothing you can do to save it
to make it breathe the way it did, when you were sliding on the ring
trust me, it's gone for good
now there is nothing you can do stop me
she is happy when she is with me, and i am, i am finally alive
i'm sorry

don't write me

empty stock, you're flailing fluttered through the breeze
so perfectly unlocked, just paining in comparison
you can't stain this part of me, this part is shallow
you'll never attain this part of me, this part is callous
you'd be robbed and beaten if i could follow my instinct
left waiting, only waiting for me to feel some distinct guilt
i won't touch that side, not for your empty pleading, not from shallow breathing
you can hold tight to hope, but it's hopeless, any part of me to attain is flawless
and your flaws rise sky high, don't cascade, you are a fucking mess
you are nothing to be touched, stay far away, you digress
to lower stages to unread pages, something i'll no longer be enraged by
you're no longer here, and i want nothing of you, i wish i were nothing of you
but still i'm half of you, and that half is something to detest
now i'm left with this split person, one which smiles, the one to desire, to celebrate
the other, it's murderous, it's terrifying, it cowers and holds nothing but hate
and i am sorry, i know it's cruel, but i'll say it anyway
i wish you were dead, i've wished for it every day

you crawled up inside and now you won't go, you won't leave
and i thought i saw you last night, woven around me, tangled between my sheets
i felt you crying, heavy flagging, hiding back beneath my sleeve
the windows smashed inside, crashed up, stopped dangling over the eave
i've started to doubt it, started to believe this isn't all it promised to be
and now something's blocking, shielding you, something silent is screaming at me
to stop

no será tan fácil ya sé qué pasa
no será tan simple como pensaba
quién dijo que todo está perdido
yo vengo a ofrecer mi corazón

white sheets

i only want a glimpse of you to fade back to
small moments, modest for me to stake claim to
i've read and re read their memories
but i don't own any of them, they aren't mine
i just need this something, anything
if only the smallest flash to grasp
to clutch on to and hold so tight
when it's so still, when it's real quiet
in the farthest most tragic depths of night

don't fret

i read everything that you meant to write
though my head was tilted
and my eyes meandered a little to the left
they focused nevertheless

Full Lungs Bursting

i wrote and rewrote the last prose 8 times
lingered and dithered over the last 3 lines
i'm out, running dry on anger now
just solemnly owed, not quite devout
there's only one way to tame a naughty child
through mild mannered will and acceptance
reluctance to raise a hand is suggested
trust nothing told, tried or tested
it was you who said it, not me
i'm too exhausted to continue to fight
you're just stubborn and i'm bored now
eager to shed you, i'm finally beginning to forget you
like i've said a dozen times, it wasn't you it couldn't have been
it only was, it must have been the situation in which i was encased in
because there's really not that much to you, pretty boring, not quite pretty
ill mannered and self repressed, all to eager to get undressed
though i don't know why you would, i'm ever so sorry sweetheart
but you're really not so good.

below is not relevant, it doesn't touch on today, it's never relevant the day after or the day after that, so inward bound and momentarily intense, the last 18 hours have blurred the ache and shed dust on it, abandoning perseverance, replacing it with dragged sunlight. it's all so enraptured now. everything is warm, i am alright.

can't breathe, can't think, my eyes burn blurry. i'm so close to the edge and i can't remember how to get back to safety. there's only one way that i can think to quiet this. it's too loud, it's deafening when i'm alone. i can't be here anymore.

i don't know how to be well in this place, the pit is back and it has grown tenfold, it's all too much to bear. i'm done waiting, i'm ready to leave now, it's time to leave. i need to be away from here.

it's true, nothing makes sense i know
and i can't stand here and tell you straight
say that it's all going to be fine, that it will all be okay
that it will work itself out, and you'll be alright again one day
i can't lie to you, not now, not in this circumstance
i'm sorry, i'm so sorry but i just can't fix this
i would tend to it, but i've never been given the chance
i want it so much, only to rearrange your deranged thoughts
to place them down, neatly stacked, tidy to the side
but i can't bear it anymore, i tried, i really did
i really fucking tried

You won't read a single word about you. They aren't about you, not anymore.

the sun is creeping, so it's time for a relapse
this time it's not obscure, there's no room for collapse
i'm going to cave in, i've folded internally, it's decided
i want it again, and i want it now, i'll welcome eyes blotted
don't look at me from a height, drop down, stay low, stay still
don't empty your mouth and keep distance, i'm taking anyone down with me

and in what seemed like a finale Tommy dropped to the floor
causing the room to erupt into laughter and rapturous applause
the curtain closed, lights went up and there was no encore
everybody left there seats and headed for the door
unbeknown to them they had witness Tommy Cooper's death
he had given his all until he had nothing left
now please note that at the moment that this entertainer died
even with a room full of people not one tear was cried
much less, they rose to their feet as they laughed and clapped
now tell me one fucking thing that's more beautiful than that...

you can't just put your finger on this
'cause today is the only day i can recall
i'm so clean, so fucking content
i could explode from this feeling
it's not captured that i'm left reeling
because it's unbelievably beautiful here
and i could stay stood still until you see fit to appear

can't stop.

i keep trying to write something about
but i'm only coming up short, finishing without
i don't know that i can put it into words
only that i saw everything and that i heard it all
i'll fix this all up in my head in no time at all

the truth it gets distorted, the wall scrapings get snorted

to do with myself

i don't like this place
i don't like it here at all
nothing fits not without being jarred
and i don't like the way you talk
not now, not anymore

you're shifting sideways, always moving but forward never. there's something of momentum to desire, but desire makes you all that less willing. you're still crouched in the shadows you know, still hidden, guarded but opening wider, and even though it's rife i know nothing of you, only that i want to know you. it's going round circle, and i'll find myself right back here in no time at all, but i hate this place, so please just stop.